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Random post time!   
04:48pm 02/10/2004
  Hooha!
My name is Tony... Tony Montana.
Hehe. Anyways! Well today's a strange day. No sleep... nothing but caffeine and sugar in my system.
You wanna talk about bubbly and totally hyper? Yeah, thats me right now, Im typing at like a mile a minute here. Give me an hour I'll be in Tennessee.
So today's kind of a dreary day, rainy and shizzle. All Im hoping is that the friggin crack in the roof of my car wont leak in too much rain. Just as long as the seats arent wet, I'll be happy.
*does a little dance*
Well let me see here, what else do I have to say? Hmmm...
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
Hehe ok enough of this. I go now. Bye!
 
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There's no business like it...   
05:40pm 21/09/2004
 
mood: content
Well this past week has been fun! Heh. Ive been working my ass off, running here and there, doing just about everything under the sun. Ive been driving, Ive been working, Ive been singing, Ive been dancing.... crying, laughing, jumping, swaying, running, sitting, laying down, rolling, falling, tripping... Just about anything you can imagine... any action... any feeling. Ive felt it.
Ive been spending the past week thinking. About a lot of things... Trying to figure myself out. Up until last week, I thought I was getting close to being in perfect connection with my emotions... then it seemed like someone jerked the rug out from under my feet. Twas very strange... every predictable little indiosyncratic mannuerism has been polarized. I feel like a totally different person. Its a good feeling really. Its just unnerving... you know... because Im not acting like myself.
In between all this inner... peace... self exploration.... crap, Ive also been filming a movie. Yay!
Its quite interesting... I never knew that I could get paid to dance with really hot girls, all day long, and get filmed doing it. Its fantastic! Its like... I'll start to get paid for things that I do for fun!
Heh, Im saying all this like I didnt know what was in store for me in my career. Im saying like I wasnt ready to have fun. Funny how you can be conditioned to believe that just because you call it work... that it isnt going to be fun.
I need to get over that... cause Im having a blast!
I still have close to a month's worth of filming to do for the movie... and I turn 21 coming up this month! Wooo!
A great b-day present is the fact that my tv show will start filming in October. So I'll have all new "work" to play around with!
Mmm, well, Im at work, and I should probably start doing my job instead of this, so I should leave.
Farewell! Goodbye! Ciao! Hasta Luego! And of course... See Ya Bitches!!
 
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Guess who's the man? DEEZNUTS!   
02:51pm 21/08/2004
 
mood: crazy
Ahem, yes. Well. I do have a livejournal, and I didnt forget about it despite popular belief. Im just busy is all... busy with what you say? Why with showbiz baby YEAH! The show is... oh how do you say... ON FULL GREEEN LIGHT!! The script is written, the sponsors are assembled, and the camera crew will be hired within the week. The show is in full swing, next week the contracts will be drawn and signed, and to top things off, Im totally busy with other prospects as well... A certain cartoon company wants to have an interview with me, and Ive been going to quite a few movie auditions. And well... by the end of the year, we'll know whether the show's getting signed onto a network or not.
Im telling you, Ive been so on edge the past few days. Ive been bouncing off the walls. Im too excited about this. And I should be, because Im going to be the co-star of a sitcom. HA! Well anyways, Im getting ahead of myself. One step at a time... one day at a time. Hehehe. But who knows perhaps in about 5 years, my name will a household name like, Kevin Space, or Diane Keaton, or maybe even as famous as Christopher Walken!!! Wait... no no... now Im being too optimistic. No one could reach the Walken status... no one!

Anyways! NINJA VANISH!!!!

*poof*



*gone*
 
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Vanish like the dew by my battleaxe!!   
12:28pm 24/07/2004
  Howdy journal! Well, its Saturday, and Im at work. Yay. This week's been a little crazy. All kind's of shit has been going on; some good... some bad.
Oh well, Cest La Vie right? I think I spelled that right... anyways...
Almost the whole rest of the household is going to Belshair in Asheville this weekend. So that means that every time I come home to the house... I'll be practically alone!
Now of course, Nathan is home, but hey, I dont mind his company at all. At least whenever things go wrong at the house he doesnt blame me ;-)
Aw well enough of that babble. I got to make a voiceover tape the other day... Its interesting, a voiceover tape is like an audition without having to go anywhere. I like it. Had to use my radio voice a bit, and then of course, had to show off my wonderful talent at warping my voice into certain characters.
We sent the tape off to an animation company, hopefully, they'll hire me as a voice actor. But who knows eh?
Well anyways, its getting to be towards that time where I get to leave. Woohoo! So I shall bid you adieu journal! Adieu!
 
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You know how it is when you get those creative weeks....   
02:22pm 28/06/2004
  This poem was inspired by a song that I heard... in fact, its an answer to, or... an echo of if you will.

You've always been the one who makes me happy
A vision of you always enters my mind
For so long you've been the reason Ive been living
You are the reason for my smile

I feel so lonely
And I know Im not the only one
To ever feel this way
I love you so much
That I think Im going insane

They say that everyone needs somebody
And I would say they're right
Everybody needs someone
With a love just as unique as themselves
And your's is the only love I want

I feel so lonely
And I know Im not the only one
To ever carry on this way
I love you much
I lose track of time, track of the days

Its not what you have
Its what you've given me
Its not the life you've chosen
Its about the life you live

Its what you've got
Its what you've given
 
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I know Ive already posted today... but strike up the bongos   
05:55pm 18/06/2004
  Although I already posted today, I felt inspired to do this...

Wandering the whithered waste of a wrestless world.
Seeking somber serenity in a souless space.
Forever foraging for purpose without ever fairing
Temptations forever taunt the tattered will of the troupe
The souls that wander, will walk forever without rest
Neverending ethereal woe
My own soul cries out to those who have lost
As I lose myself again
Somewhere within my own existence
Enshrouded by my own shortcomings
Will I ever find the way?
Will I ever find the answer?
 
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Well slap my ass and call me Charlie!   
03:24pm 18/06/2004
 
mood: contemplative
Yesterday was an interesting day. I got to go see a hotspot nightclub in progress, because... get this, I know the owner! HA! Now, can you say Nate's gonna be partying soon? Hehe. The place looks awesome, and once it opens, I'll get my very own members card to get in, and rock out! I cant wait, should be fun! At least it'll give me something to do on those days when Im bored shitless of Mo-town and the big G Alpine. Plus with the sitcom thing going on... Im already known in Hickory........
......... Wait a second......
Im a celebrity in my home town now! Holy shitake! Wow, I never really thought about that before.
You know, I really havent thought about the consequences of this whole sitcom thing at all. What will happen to me... for me, and around me. I had people coming up to me yesterday in the mall, talking to me about the show, wanting to know whats happening with it... And well when me and Jason were riding around in his 79 Vette convertible, ladies would just pull up next to us and throw their panties into our laps. Now, Im a pretty modest guy around women, I seriously had no idea how to handle that. And if this is going to happen a lot... then I really need to start getting a grip on things. I dunno, call me conceited, but I dont know if I'll be able to handle this attention. Ive never been the full blown social butterfly before...
Heh, as it turns out, I might be having to do the most acting for this sitcom, off camera, whenever Im just hanging around.
Sheesh, talk about a weird turn of events.
 
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Walking between the raindrops....   
03:06pm 23/05/2004
 
mood: confused
Oooo man, talk about irony. Our new roommate Brent has broken up with his girlfriend... well actually that happened weeks ago... but still. His girlfriend doesnt know that he's living with us... he's.. "on the lamb" so to speak from his friends. Being that as it is... Brent's girlfriend, Sheila, is a regular customer at the store. And there in lies the rub. Sheila... has her eye on someone new... someone Brent knows... and is friends with. That someone is me. ARGH!!! So now, I have my roommate's ex humping on my leg, and asking me to come "hang at her place" all the time.
Why? Why cant I get a girl to like me without any complications? That shit aint fair dammit! I mean... technically Brent shouldnt care... because he dumped her. But, I also know that by going forward, I jeopardize his and my friendship. Plus I have to live with him. What to do... what to do? I mean, I really like Sheila, she's smart, funny, sexy, cute... she's just a damn good woman. Urgh. Moral decisions blow. Seriously. I mean.. where does the line of being a good friend end... and being a normal guy begins? I dont wanna betray Brent, and I dont want to piss him off... But dammit, if the girl wants to get with me... why deny her what she wants?
Oh damn, that sounded horrible. That was kinda heartless. Grrrr!! Fuck! I hate hard decisions... especially ones that deal with my happiness. Hrm. Well this is something I'll definately have to meditate on. Whatever I decide... I hope it goes well.
 
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Ive seen skies of blue...   
03:15pm 14/05/2004
 
mood: bouncy
Clouds of white... The bright shining day, and the dark sacred night, And I say to myself, what a wonderful world.
For the first time in a while, the depression has completely lifted. Hehe, after reading one email. God Its amazing what closure can do for you. Im ready to move on! READY FOR LIFE! WOOOOOO! Hehe Im such a damn good mood Ive been dancing like a maniac at work. Hell not even the customers that walked in on my rug cutting could wipe the smile off my face. Although what was in that email could have wrecked me hopelessly, I didnt let it. I took it as a sign that I should move on, that there's too much ahead of me to worry about whats behind me.
So I raise my glass... stein... whatever... Bottle of Cherry Pepsi: To the Future! Salut! WOOOO!!!!
 
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Take a piece of the sky...   
02:49pm 29/04/2004
 
mood: cynical
I gave away something today I can never get back. I dont mind. Ive lost so much, it just fits into the pattern. I need to quit losing... losing my faith, my love, my composure... my patience. I just need to quit losing it all. Ive found all the crap in my life just kept building and building, despite my efforts to simplify. Thoreau was a moron... sure living simply is easy... Its getting things simplified thats the nightmare... I doubt Thoreau ever had to tell his wife that he didnt want to be with her anymore... No, that he couldnt be with her anymore. That to say another word to her would just remind him of how no matter how hard he tries, his failure is inevitable. Thoreau never had to go through with that... because he never put himself into that situation. He started out simple, and ended simply. Thoreau didnt dig himself a hole to get out of like most of us have.
I have to simplify, I have to relieve this pressure. So Im taking some time now... eliminating my complications... cutting off the emotional baggage. Now, I'll only have time for two things... Work and my friends. Nothing more, nothing less.... Simple, very simple. Two choices to work with, and no other choices to cloud my vision... no other drama to bring me down. No strong emotions that could take my heart for ransom again. Im done trying to deal with all this shit that probably wont help me even if I GET it settled. So Im ending it, cutting myself off from it, in time, I'll forget.
Time... the universal wound healer... five and half years and I still havent healed... I think time should study its first aid skills. But thats ok, Ive got plenty of time.. time to learn, time to live, time to worry about myself, and only myself. No more bullshit, no more complications... just me and my friends.... simple.
 
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There is no spoon...   
06:33pm 27/04/2004
 
mood: apathetic
Ive been finding irony in far too many situations lately... People becoming friends with someone whom they've hated for years... People hating someone that they've loved for years...
It really doesnt phase me anymore. I feel clear... plastic. I feel like the world could pass me by without blinking... and I wouldnt mind. Its as if my mindset has been set to permanent neutral. Its an odd feeling. Standing at the crossroads of light and dark, I ask myself, why pick a side? Why bring added weight to something that needs to be balanced?
Hehe damn Im being all philosophical... I like it. Havent had time recently to just sit back and take everything in... I actually wonder if I'll step back on one side or the other... you know... actually give a flying fuck anymore. Eh, who knows... the only thing I know right now, is that I need a cigarette... BYE!!!

*jumps out the window*
 
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Curious... Curious indeed....   
04:01pm 21/04/2004
 
mood: calm
As spring rolls around the corner and shines its incredibly bright head... I begin to wonder what the hell happened to me? Why is it that in the past few months my loathesome feelings for my loneliness have shifted a bit? Why is it that I find comfort when Im alone? And why is it that the need I used to have for companionship, has slowly diluted?
I was sitting at the house the other day, completely alone, solitary, with only my thoughts, and instead of feeling this deep seeded depression about being alone... I felt at peace. Peculiar... Most peculiar. I look at people who are in relationships now and I wonder to myself... "Why?" Heh. I always used to wonder "Why not me?" Quite honestly, Im fine with it... I guess I wasnt really lying when I said that Im done with love. Im not saying I'll never find it again, I suppose Im just saying that love isnt for me. With all these weddings Ive been to, its becoming more and more apparent to me, that I may never be up there at that altar. Most people would say its kind of an early age for me to be saying that, but well in a lot of people's opinions, Ive been through more than I should have for my age. I think I'll do just fine by myself, and if some cute thing comes my way and proves me wrong about love... then more power to her... But for right now, Im alone, and I like it just fine that way.
Besides, Ive got enough to keep my plate full, I dont have time for anyone else right now, for once I think its time I devoted all my time, to me. I think Ive earned it.
 
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Whoa! Im gonna be in a movie..   
03:24pm 20/04/2004
 
mood: Goofy
I was in Lincolnton yesterday, working as an extra for the new movie about Dale Earnhardt "Three". It was cool! I got there at 11:30 in the morning and we got to work. I was gonna be a race spectator, so I had to act like I enjoy dirt track racing... good thing I consider myself a good actor. I got to meet Barry Pepper, you know.. the guy from Battlefield Earth? He was playing Dale Earnhardt. Hehe he was a cool guy, he just hung around and talked with us extras while we waited for the shoot to get rolling. Very fun. By the end of the night I was hoarse from screaming all day... But I had a great time, plus I got paid! It was cool. I learned a lot about the movie biz and all that: very very good for my career. So now I find out that I get to sign the ole contract for the show, which sadly means... no more info on livejournal about it :-P Sorry! Hehe, but if you see me on tv by the fall... you'll know what happened! :-D MUAH!!

Ninja Vanish!

*poof*

*gone*
 
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Psychiatric help.... helps...   
02:01pm 14/04/2004
 
mood: good
Over the past few months, Ive been working on finding myself. In the psychological terms... finding out who I am, what my motivations are... what my... purpose is. I found myself searching through these years that have passed... figuring out my mistakes, trying to learn from them. It wasnt until this tv sitcom thing fell into my lap that I now know what it is I wanna do.... and who I am....
I am Phillip Nathanael Smith: Entertainer to the masses, hopeless romantic at heart, A joker, a smartass, and last but not least... a plain out nice guy. I used to think that my problems with women came from me not understanding them. Now I know its because I never let myself understand them. Ive found patience to be the greatest virtue I have... and one that I should excercise without prejudice. It could definately help me in the long run.
These past few days Ive found myself realizing that there was nothing wrong with me, just that there was something wrong with the way I was living. I was too submissive, and too pensive. Well not anymore... Im much more robust, and a lot less self conscience than I was before.
The sad part is I can sum all of this up in one cheesy phrase... Ive found my center. Heheh. Im liking the direction my life is heading, its definately going uphill. Ah yes time to exercise my patience... as I wait, for this crazy life of mine to unfold... waiting... with a smile of course :-)
 
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Double the Pleasure... Double The Fun   
06:57pm 04/04/2004
 
mood: cheerful
Wow, what an amazing day. Its like 70 something outside, and hey guess what, Im stuck at work! Waaaaaa!! But its ok, cause Ive only got an hour left.
Why is it that daylights savings time messes with my internal clock so much? This whole sun's still up while it's 7 just aint me. I need night-time, I crave it! I mean how are my minions of darkness suppose to conquer the Earth if- Well perhaps the minions can wait, but I still dont like it.
I dont understand why, but the night seems to grant me life, its as if I have a lithium battery thats set on Nocturnal. I can be dead all day long, but as soon as that sun goes down... I feel alive, especially this week. Full moon this week... I must be a moonchild. Ah well who the hell knows.
One thing I DO know is that this sitcom thing keeps moving along at full speed, and its totally KICK ASS to watch as it unfolds. Im learning so much about the business, off camera and on. Even if this thing doesnt go through all the way, the experience Im getting is just about worth it. But its too early to be talking about failure or victory, I shall wait and see how the cards play out.
 
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Sleepin through the evenin...   
11:35am 04/03/2004
 
mood: mellow
Sleep! God, I want some more! Ive been staying up all late and shit watching the Sopranos... totally messed up my sleep schedule. Hehe who cares, its a great damn show. *does a dance* Jack and Helena are getting married in a couple weeks!
Woooo!! Hey if you guys are reading this, Congratulations!!!! :-D I'll be stopping by sometime soon to congratulate you face to face, but for right now, this will have to do. Hehe. Damn its warm today... 70 something outside. If I had today off, today would sooo be a tanning day. Cause... the whole farmer tan thing is starting to come back. Cant be having that this year, gotta get a tan... a decent one. Heh. Also gotta go to Raleigh on the 13th for my buddy Drew's birthday. From what I understand, thats gonna be a big party. Which means, its gonna be one fun fucking time!
Ooo something bad did happen the other day though, a friend of mine got in trouble with the cops. Granted... he is a dealer, but still he's a good guy, and my friend, and he doesnt deserve this. I hope things go well for him, and all this blows over.
Well I think thats all you're gonna get out of me today journal! I aint talkin no more! No matter how much you torture me! Haha! Um... yeah... bye!
 
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I must be wise   
12:22pm 02/03/2004
 
mood: chipper
I must try to analyze, each change in me, everything I see. How will it be when I see the world through different eyes? Heh. Jekyll and Hyde. Great... GREAT broadway production. Its been weird for the past few days Ive been in a good mood. Way too good of a mood. I mean, Im not bitching about being happy... but it worries me whenever I dont really have a concrete reason for being that way. A slight sense of Euphoria is something that should be worried about... especially whenever you're dead sober. I dunno. I guess I shouldnt treat this as a curse in disguise. It is a good thing. Ive been laughing, talking... putting up with people that I cant stand. And not only that... but making them laugh and smile. Just like I used to. Its like Ive digressed back about 4 or 5 years... attitude wise anyways. I dunno... guess Im scared of repeating the past. Too bad for my past, Im smarter than I was then... I wont make the same mistakes... I wont be the sap this time. This time, its gonna go my way. Because, I know how to make it happen. And I guess thats why Im happy. But hey... who knows right? We'll see. Yes we will.
 
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Im done you hear me?!?! DONE!   
03:27pm 23/02/2004
 
mood: irate
Im sick and tired of people telling me that what I feel will fade. Im sick of hearing the fact that love is undying, and that nothing can stop true love... well fuck that. Im living proof that love doesnt last forever. Im sick of hearing people tell me that time will heal these wounds. Well ya know what? It doesnt, sure with the right help, time heals. With love, caring, adoration... that will heal it. But you know what? I dont see any of that around here. Wait... hang on, lemme check underneath this rock. Nope... even the maggots and insects ran away. You, see when I feel the need to hold someone... when I NEED physical attention, you know what I get? Emptiness. I look around the room, I look around anywhere period, its all empty. No one cares. Its just that simple. If people cared so much, Id have more sympathizers than I could shake a stick at. The fact is that no one besides yourself will ever do anything to sacrifice a part of themselves for you. I might sound high and mighty, but thats what Ive been doing all my life. Ive been sacrificing. Ive been putting my feelings on hold, and dealing with everyone elses'. And really its done nothing for me... except earn me the title of a good person. I have a golden heart... whoopty fucking doo. A lot of good that golden heart does me sitting on the floor, beating out its last few rythyms. It just comes down to, the nice get shit on, and the asshole gets the girl. Nice.. real nice. I dont know why I even tried in the first place. Apparently nice guys have no other place apart from the friend's circle. You know what? I just had a revelation... Women... are stupid. They get involved with someone... then when that person shits on them... they cry about it... get mad, then go right back to them. Im sick of it. Im sick of hearing the same ole cliche...
Ladies... dont be fucking idiots... all of you can do better than what you're putting up with. If you're not happy with who you're with... you need to find someone else plain and simple. Ah god, here I go sparing others. Fuck that. Keep it up ladies! Keep whining about how you can never find a guy that treats you like the sun and the moon. Keep complaining that no matter how hard you try, you can never find a guy who'd do small little nice things... simply because he loves you. Keep whining... keep bitching about how that "Mr. Right" can not be found... and when you run out of breath from bitching about... LOOK AT WHO YOU'RE BITCHING AT!! 95% of the time, its gonna be one of those "Mr. Rights" you've been waiting on but you're too damned self centered and shallow to see him.
Wow, I never knew I could be so cold. It seems to come naturally when you dont have a heart.
I swear to god the next time I hear someone complain about how their boyfriend treats them like shit.. or how someone's girlfriend might be cheating on them..... Just... Get a life. Get your own life. One that doesnt depend on someone else being there for you. Because they wont be there. Out of all the things Ive said in this entry... heed these words... You were born alone, and believe me, you'll die alone... so you'd better get to know yourself real well, cause at the beginning and the end, the ONLY person you can trust, is yourself.
 
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In the end....   
04:39pm 21/02/2004
 
mood: crushed
I tried so hard, and got so far; but in the end, it doesnt even matter. Too fucking true.... too fucking true indeed. Ive always wondered when it would be too much... when I finally would just give up hope. I know... now. Today... thats when. I used to feel sorry for people that didnt believe that love was for them... I used to pity them. Who would have thought that Id become the number one advocator, that love doesnt mean anything... in just one day? Funny how the world can throw you a curve so bad that it throws off your entiring batting rythym. Ive struck out... 3rd time. Ha. Once you've had a love... one that you adored with such passion, that you could ignite the sun with its heat... you never wanna lose it.
Ive had that love 3 times. And thats 3 times that love has left me. What a fickle bitch love is. Nathanael the hopeless romantic has died. Now all thats left is me. Nathanael, the realist. I once thought that love was just waiting around the corner for me... itching to pounce on my heart and jumpstart its beat once again. But its obvious to me now... love's skipped to Mexico, and somehow it managed to snag my heart somewhere along the way. Ive lost my faith, Ive lost my hope, Ive lost my life. It all came tumbling down around me, and there's no way I can sift through the rubble to rebuild it. Such a sad state of affairs. I guess there's only one thing left to do... the one thing Ive been doing all my life... I'll keep my head up, throw on that smile, and walk down my life path, all by my lonesome... the safest way to travel it. Fuck being hurt anymore, screw the rejection, screw the emotional anguish. Im through with it all. You couldnt force me to take it back in a million years. They say that love is a game, and I suppose thats true. I sustained a permanent injury... and now Im benching myself for life. All you other folks, you're welcome to take my place on the team. Please... do. Cause god knows... someone out there has to still play it. But me? No... Im done. Ive paid my dues. Ive fought kicking and screaming. And still I was taken down. So for those of you who still have fight left in you. For the love of god.... keep fighting. Love will always need people to fight in its honor. But this soldier's done his duty, Ive served my time... Im ready to go home.
 
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Sick day... ugh.   
05:13pm 16/02/2004
 
mood: sick
Ok, well technically yesterday was my sick day. But Im still sick. So... today's a sick day too. Only, Im back at work today. I need to go dope myself up on some Sudafed and Dayquil... shyeah. Then it'll be a fun day at work. I dont know if any of you have tried this... but Sudafed, and a nice big swallow of Dayquil... pretty much has the same effect as having a few drinks.... for me anyways. Hehe. In my opinion anything to get a pounding sinus headache to go away is worth it. I just hope I dont fall over or something... hehehe, that'd be funny. Well, not much happening today, looks like its gonna rain... yay. At least its not doing that stupid... snow stuff. Its been snowing here... then melting, then snowing two days later again and melting again the day after that. I swear to god Ive gone snow blind like 3 times this week just cause I wasnt ready for the white blanket outside. Ah well. I do like the snow. Winter seems to be my season. I dont know what it is, I guess its the snow... the tranquility of its serene layers... just soothes me somehow. I know a certain someone who woul disagree with me on that... but Im sure she'd have nothing to worry about in the snow if I was there to keep her warm ;-) Heh, oh well... soon the snow will stop and we'll be into spring and summer. And my season will be over with. *sighs* I'll miss winter... but I'll also welcome the warmth of spring... dont get me wrong, winter is great and all... but it is fucking cold. Looks like there's something to look forward to in every season.
Ok... well Im outta here, dont have much else to say except this.. To all of you out there, live by my creed... Dont be a fool, wrap your tool!
Or was that... stay in school? *scratches his head* Who knows... anyways, Im gone! Bye!
 
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